nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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