Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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