the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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