How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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