You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
