We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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