my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
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She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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