We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
