based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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