I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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