i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
