You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
