we're making bets on your personal life
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
