If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
