After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.