there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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