I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
