the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
