Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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