I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
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Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
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Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Shame - the story of my life.
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