drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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