i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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