I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
