Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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