I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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