If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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