Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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