Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
