had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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