Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
