Umm I'm too high to move.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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