I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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