remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
