i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
