I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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