yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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