mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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