we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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