I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
