My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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