go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
