this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
