Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I feel like death gave me a hand job
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
