I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
