Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
