I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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