So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
