If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
