some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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