i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I am midnight drunk by noon
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
