I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
